sounds from life

The last 2 days have been some of the most difficult days of my life. 2008 came in quietly and with great promise and then came to a screeching halt last night when E went to the emergency room in excruciating pain and 6 hours later he was admitted and is awaiting surgery this weekend. As we waited hours we heard the man wheeled into the ER behind us making the most horrific and heartbreaking sounds I've ever heard, then then most gut-wrenching vomiting sounds (I told myself "don't look" and kept true to my words), to the "mentally challenged" person in the next room making the strangest sounds I've pretty much ever heard and believe me I've heard some strange sounds. Last night was a night to remember. People convulsing. People scared. People waiting. People crying. You don't experience this everyday. The sounds and sights of a night unexpected. I'm still going on 2 hours sleep as I type this. I think E will be fine, but not without a nightmarish round of treatments. Try going 5 days without ANY food and not even a drop of water or liquid. Nothing. IV all the way, with 3 tries for good measure on those frustrating veins and me heading for the door white and about to faint. Wearing that needle for 5 days. Scopes down your throat. Automatic massagers on your feet. Blood drawn daily. Vitals taken every few hours. The same questions by the same people over and over. The whirring sound of that IV drip machine. Peeing in a plastic container. The bar code bracelet they scan a million times a day. And that strange odor. And that doesn't even describe the planned surgery yet to come, and I'll spare the gorey details on that. I feel sad tonight.

Why am I afraid to express my true feelings? Just typing them here scares me. It's funny because "everyone" blogs these days but does anyone really say anything? I sit here with a blank white page on the screen staring at me and I wonder what to type, what to write, that people might want to read. If I bare my soul, as I'm supposed to do here, what do I say? Yet it seems like most people have no problems going on and on.

I feel confused. I read that confusion is nothing more than knowing the answer but just not liking it.

Someone wrote today:

"I've always admired (your) devotion to this music. You guys give plenty of bands great opportunities with your label, all the while providing quick shipping and solid service with your distro. We'd be thrilled to have our record avilable on your site."

Yet, I feel like we don't do enough, we don't do all the things a label should do. We look away too much. We ignore too much. We let too much go. We waste too much time. I feel like "if truth be told"... yet why isn't the truth being told? Does everything have to be disclosed? I feel like it should be. Why not? Who will care in 100 years anyway? What do we all have to hide? What do you have to hide and why? What if suddenly you started writing EVERYTHING in a blog for all to read? What's the worse thing that would happen?

Led Zeppelin, young women, blogging and herbal tea

I just finished reading about the Led Zeppelin concert that happened in London last night. What I find interesting is how times have changed. Yes, the reviews for the music are good. I expected that actually. But what I am really interested in are the reports that the Led Zep guys required very little in the way of backstage demands - no booze or drugs - just herbal tea and bottled water. Good for them! Oh, wait a minute - herbal tea and bottled water?!? Yep. Let's remember these guys are in their late 50s/60s. When I was growing up I thought 60 was totally elderly. Yes, times have changed. Apparently they worked out, got in shape, and put some healthy effort into the whole affair. Then, as a juxtaposition, I read an article that young women today are into partying, drinking, and blogging. How young are we talking here? Probably younger than me. Yes, definitely younger than me.

I've never been into partying or drinking or drugs really. I've never snorted Mt Fuji sized mounds of cocaine. OK, I drank a bit when I was in my 20s. Who didn't? But after more than a few horrible (HORRIBLE) hangovers I decided "this isn't fun so why do it?". Yet there is this idea that if you aren't drinking you aren't having fun, you aren't letting it all hang out, put a drink in someone's hand and it's automatic WOOWOO. Partying? I've always been the shy type and I've always tried to not be the shy type. I'm not shy anymore. Really.

So where does this lead? If the boozing and drugs in youth inevitably leads to herbal tea and bottled water in older age (unless an overdose or cirrhosis of the liver gets you first), then perhaps we should all skip the boozing and drugs and go straight to the herbal tea and water and just get it over with. Seems like it'd be a whole lot healthier.

Let's party it up! Celestial Season anyone?

Isolationism. I exist in the world of isolationism most of the time. Positively, I look at it as a way to enjoy nice and quiet time to get things done. Negatively, I'm bored and about to snap. I channel those energies into my art. Creativity is the only thing that has ever saved me. If I were not a creative person, if I were not able to make things out of nothing, things that please me, that please others, I'm not sure how well I'd be today. Hell, I'm not sure how well I am anyway, but I'm better off with my creativity than without.

I saw No Country For Old Men today - an exquisitely crafted film (yes I'm a fan of the Coen brothers, don't get me started on how great The Big Lebowski and Barton Fink is). But it begs for a deeper look at psychopathic behavior. When a 19 year old in the midwest "snaps" and takes out a bunch of people with him in a shopping mall, he's a sick psycho loser and deserves no fame. When an early 30-something man with a dead serious demeanor kills at will as, basically, a lifestyle of some twisted sort and (seemingly) gets away with it time and time again as if he's a ghost a monster, operating in a different world with different rules, he's operating out of self-proclaimed "principles". He lives in an isolated world. Friends? Forget it. Talk about no social life. But he has principles! Hmmm.....

What are principles? What determines the concept of abiding by them? What behavior is acceptable within the confines of the word and theories of having principles?

I'm working on some ideas for podcasts. Oh sure, everyone is doing them, so jumping on the bandwagon is not so difficult. I'm a bandwagon jumper, sometimes. I don't spend much time looking at YouTube videos but the ones I've seen just seem like people are videotaping anything and everything and posting it. Is this not correct? Is there some thought behind all these thousands of videos? So .... I'm going to experiment. What if.... what if I didn't put a ton of thought into things? Just let all hell break loose and see what happens. Just let it rip. Let the feathers fly. Let the shit hit the fan. Just let it. Why not? Everyone else is.

I'm changeable. I change my mind. I change my desires. I change my tastes. About every six months or so. And in between I experience boughts of boredom. Then I find something new to interest me and devour it with a passion and intesnse voracity. I go from Simon and Garfunkle to Alice Cooper to Chopin to Black Metal all in seamingly a heartbeat. Then I look back and feel embarrassed at the Simon and Garfunkle points or the whatever points. One extreme to the other and back again.

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